On today's episode.

Let's talk about staying in love.

Okay.

So our great research department, a.k.a.

Paige, came up with a great topic
this week.

I'm actually excited about it.
I think it's actually pretty interesting.

You kind of just learned about it
like 2 minutes ago. Yes.

No. No.

Well, you learned about a week ago
when we were going to record it,

like I told you about it.

Then we've all started not feeling well.

You were out of town for a couple days,

and then we literally just pulled it up
and I was like, Wait, what are we doing?

So it's kind of fresh for both of us.
You've never seen it?

No. And I had to
to renew it to my eyes once again.

Okay, so.

So what's interesting about this one is
what can we do?

When we were first engaged,
even before we were engaged, were married.

Say, before we were engaged?

Yes. Holy cow.

Could not stay away from me. Too much PDA.

All of our

children and anyone around us
will definitely say that.

Yes, absolutely. And it was. It was much.

In fact, here's a funny story. Was this.

This was on our honeymoon.

And we were going to
I don't know if it was like

we were we were on our way to our way
on our way there to the honeymoon.

We were in the airport in line
to ask the lady

at the desk, at the United desk
a question.

And we were waiting and we weren't like
we were just like we were standing in line

and we were sitting
next each other and we,

you know, we kissed and then we would talk
and then we would kiss.

And she got mad.

Was it the lady at the desk?

Yes, the lady behind us. No,
it was the lady at the desk.

It was the night she was like, Oh,
my gosh, why don't you guys get a room?

This is so inappropriate.

And we were we were so taken aback
because we were, like, doing a literally

we were just we were kissing and hugging
and hugging, but it wasn't like we were.

Anyway, yeah,
maybe that's why I have one case status.

Why? Because I complained.

I didn't complain. No, we didn't
complain. No, no.

Even though she was. She.

She was really. She was really upset.
She was really upset.

So we were like,
she needs a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

Whatever she needs, she needs something.

But over time, that kind of slowly

changes and things kind of fade.

They do.

And not just being affectionate
with each other.

In fact, that's
not even what this podcast is about.

It's more about the things you say
to each other and,

and you you see each other
when you're dating and when you're engaged

and you're just feeling that new.

And probably even the first
maybe couple of years you're married,

you see each other through rose colored
glasses, right?

Everything they do is cute and funny.

Right in my socks on the floor.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah,
that's each something so minor.

But you're right.

I mean, like, all those little things,
like, oh, they chew too loud or they.

Whatever it is, I mean, like
you think you did in the beginning,

you thought it was cute and you thought it
was, Oh, just a little quirk.

And a few years
in, it's annoying and it's bugging you.

And why is it bugging you? Yeah, exactly.

No, Why?

Why does that bug you? What?

But the little things I do.

I didn't say that.

I think in general.

Oh, in general, Nothing.

Nothing that you do ever bothers you?

No. Mm hmm.

Okay. But no, it's true.

Like,

over time, challenges occur, flaws emerge,

the rose colored glasses
come off, and reality sets in.

Right?

I think it sets in faster
when you are in a blended family.

Much faster
because you don't get that new.

Let's grow together.

Let's start our family together.

You are just set into the middle
of two families already formed, right?

Yeah.

So you don't you don't even get that
that real newness with each other.

So this is normal?

Oh, I think this is very normal.

I think this is very normal for
the things that you once thought were cute

and funny
and quirky are normal, are now annoying

and obnoxious and knock it off.

So I wanted to talk about
if you've been out of that new stage

for a while and you're feeling like

everything he or she does

bothers me,

Let's talk about how to freshen things up.

What do you think? Sounds good. Okay.

All right.

But we're going to be very specific
on that.

On what we can do to freshen things up.

And the one thing
we're going to talk about

specifically are words
You can say absolutely not.

Things you do right, but words
that you can say on a daily basis

that will freshen things up
and and keep things alive,

because we could have several
different episodes on things you could do.

Absolutely.

But today we're only going to things
you can say.

Yeah. Things you can.

You can say, okay, so first one,
you look great.

Now I have to say so a lot of these
we're going to be really honest

with these things and we'll tell you what
we're good at and what we're not good at.

You are fantastic at this one.

Oh, thank you. So compliments

mean a lot to your spouse

If you've been married for 40 years,
we need to hear it.

I think women especially need to hear it,
but many to hear it too.

But you, Darren, is very complimentary.

Always.

Not always.

You do look great.

Well, I think I do appreciate that.

But I do get mad if I, like,
come in and swear to no makeup and my hair

sticking up everywhere and you're like,
Hey, beautiful.

I'm like, you know, I don't look beautiful
right now, but so okay, so no patronize.

So yes, for you guys out there,
if your wife just woke up,

has been sick for several days,
kind of smell and then

the hair's everywhere
and you know has bags

don't realize going to her and say,
oh, you look great.

Not a good thing to say. It's not.

Because then we wonder when you do tell us
we look great and we feel great,

does he mean it or because he said it
when we know we don't look great?

So so mean it,
but do complement each other?

It means a lot. I really think it does.

What do you think?

No, I agree.

Now there's a trap.

Okay? It's that everyone knows this trap.

Does this dress make me look fat?

Yeah. Trap.

That's a trap. That's a trap.

So there is no good
and there's no good answer to that.

So to circumvent
that trap from ever happening,

tell your spouse
they look great more often

than they don't have to ask for that
compliment, because a lot of times you're

saying, does this dress

make me look fat?

They're
looking for some kind of compliment.

They're looking for validation

that they look good or they feel
they need that, right.

They need that validation.

Now, I also want your honest opinion
and you do give it to me.

I'll try things on and I'll say,
What do you think?

And you'll say,
You know what? That doesn't.

You know, there's other dresses
that look better on you.

You do say that

and it's not flattering on, you know,
And I want that honest opinion.

I don't know why I do, though.
That is true.

So you've got to know your spouse.

You do you need to know your spouse.

And I want that from you.

I do.

I don't want to wear something
that doesn't look good on me.

And maybe I think it looks good.

But if someone else doesn't
think it looks,

it actually just matters
that you think it looks good, right?

That's not true.

That's not true.

That's
what other people think. It looks good.

All right.

So compliments. Do it. Don't hold back.

All right, next one. Thank you.

Okay.

I think this is we're really good at this
one, too, because we are both very aware

that we don't want to take each other
for granted or take things for granted.

What do you think?

I totally agree.

And also, when you are saying
thank you, it helps

you realize that

you appreciate the work
that someone has done. Yes.

Right. Yes.

That you
that you need that help in your life.

This this really shows that dependency

that you have on each other
and really helps you grow closer together.

So I like this one
a lot. Here's a great example.

You came home last night very late.

You've been up for 20 hours.

Yeah.

You took a one day trip
and you had gotten up at four.

You got home at 11 and you walked in.

I was in bed and you went over and started
changing your clothes.

And you noticed that

I had done the laundry and you said,
Thank you so much for doing the laundry.

Now, I really appreciate it. Yeah.

So finding even those small little things.

Well, the laundry was not a small thing,

but the things that you would normally do,

which is one of the one of the roles
that you have.

Yes. You do the laundry. Right.

But when you say thank you,
when I cook dinner,

which I one of my roles is cooking dinner,
it makes me want to do it again.

And I always tell you how appreciative
I am of your work and how much you

do for our family financially,
where I don't hold back that way.

And always. Thank you. I appreciate that.

Yeah, we're very we're very grateful
for the things each other.

So we're going to do this one.

Yeah, we'll get this one.

But I think Please don't.

We're perfect.

Just you guys know, I was going to say,
do you want one that

I'm only putting this out
for our listeners,

One that you're not good at
is it's not on here.

You're not great at saying please.

Well, hey, honey, if it's not on here,
we're not supposed to talk about it.

But I always say, you'll say something.

I'll go. Please.

So please stick to the script.

It's not on the list,
so we're not going to talk about it.

Okey dokey.

Thank you for reminding me
that it's not on here.

Oh, great.

All right. Obviously,
I've got something to work on.

All right, The next one.

I think you're so amazing.

So we sometimes think
that our partner knows magically what

we are thinking, and so we stop saying
things like, I think you're great

or I think you're wonderful,
or I think you're amazing.

And I think these are things
that we need to tell each other.

And you don't have to use the word
amazing.

If you think that that's over the top,
then don't use it.

That's not in your repertoire of words
you would normally say.

Then, you know, I have to say,
I think you're amazing.

You say something like,
Ooh, that's for your superpowers.

Yeah. Or what you're really good at.

Yeah, just say, that was really great.

Whatever you want to come up with. But.

But just keep telling them

that you think that they're great.

I find this one interesting
because it affects your marriage

in a profound way, because if you do this,

then you're looking for things
that your spouse is good at.

Yeah, that excels at or is maybe hasn't

been good at,
but is great at now or is progressing.

And if you're pointing those things out
and saying them,

you're also recognizing
how great you have it.

Oh, I like to have a spouse
like this. Yeah.

So I think there's almost like a double,
a double positive on this one.

Right. Okay.

Okay.

Now this next one I don't like at all.

I think this one's funny.

I don't like this one.

I would never say this,
and I would never want you to say this.

Okay, Go ahead.

I love you anyway, honey.

I love you.

Anyway, a psychologist said
that you're supposed to say I love you any

When your spouse makes it hard,

it says when your spouse makes a mistake,
it can be hard on both of you.

But what you say in the moment
will have a lasting impact by saying,

I love you anyway.

It's telling them that it's
okay to make a mistake.

Boo Boo.

I don't ever want me to make a mistake.

No, you would want me to say
when you do make a mistake

or when I make a mistake,
it's kind of condescending.

It is very gone. Is it?

I love you anyway, honey.

I love you any way.

Even if you. All right, So let's try.

Let's turn this around to something better
that you could say, because I think the

I think the concept here is good in that
your spouse does make mistakes.

Absolutely.

And sometimes you need to point that out.

Maybe you don't need to point that out.

That's a good one.

What what do we need to point out
and what shouldn't we point out?

What do we need to let go?

And I think you need to let go
a lot of things unless you're.

Well, here's the thing.

If your spouse is really feeling awful
about the mistake that they made,

then to me a different approach would
be, I'm really sorry, honey.

I'm really sorry that that happened.

Now you're empathizing with them.

You're not giving them a way out of,
Hey, I made a huge mistake, man.

That must be really tough
to feel that way.

Or some way of empathizing with them.

Yeah, but little mistakes now.

You don't need to pick it those. Yeah,
and that's hard.

And that's after you've been married
a few years,

you start to pick those things
and we need to.

You have to really work at letting it go.

But yeah, that I love you anyway.

I think that I don't like that at all.

I if anyone has suggestions
on a better way to say out ones

that might be good,
but don't pick the scab.

Don't pick this up. Yeah.

All right, there we go.

So is that what you should say?

Honey, I'm not going to pick the scab.

Yeah, that'll be after.

I love you anyway.
I'm not going to pick the scar code.

Word will be scab.

I'll say scab,
and you'll know that I love you anyway.

Okay.

All right.

The next one, we'll get through it.

So I kind of like this one.

Do you?

I do.

Because what you're saying is. Well,
I would add to it.

We'll get through it together.
We can work.

We can beat this problem together.

We've talked about this on our podcast
before.

Yeah.

That it's
you and I against the world, right?

It's saying we're a team.

We're a team through it. Right?

So if there's a problem
that we're having in our relationship,

we try and put it as the combatant.

What we're trying to as a team tackle
and write and resolve, right.

And beat that conflict that we have.

Yeah, to me, I kind of like this one.

I do too.

I guess it's just just seeing it.

We'll get through it like woo rah rah.

Seems a little trite.

I don't know, but.

But yes, I understand.

You don't like those sports.

You don't like those sports things,
though.

The rah rah rah.

Yeah. No, you don't.
You know. You know you don't like a coach.

Come on, let's work
harder. Let's go, team. Let's go.

You don't want to seem little patronizing
sometimes, but anyway.

But I understand the concept.
I understand what they're trying to say.

So I understand that we'll get through it.

I understand what they're trying to say.

We're a team. I'm on your side.

All right?

Like I get it.

I get it.

Okay.

All right, Next one.

This one. I know you want me to say more.

Yes, I'd love to. Yes.

So I think this is important,
but there's a button.

Okay, What's the vibe?

Well, okay, so.

So the phrases. Yes. Are.
That is so what this is saying is

being open

to things that your spouse enjoys
that maybe you don't.

That's what this is saying.

Oh, okay.

I thought it was like, Honey, I need you
to go get the Easter decorations.

No, no, that's not what this is saying.

I mean, yes, we could say that
that's doing that, too.

But instead of an eye
rolling like an eye roll. Huh?

But no, this is saying it's something
that's not your thing,

but you're showing your support, right?

So I think that is really important.

Like, but what? Like give me an example.

Oh, like,
if I want to go see a country concert.

You hate country.

Why would we do that?

And you support me by buying tickets
and stuff right now, I there's no

I don't know that there's any country band
I'd want to go see either, but.

But I know I get your point.

Yeah, I'd love
to. So you need to go beyond

your comfort level. Yes.

Sometimes.

And say, Yeah,
hey, let's go do something different.

Let's go do something that you want,
that you want to do.

Right now.

I also feel like

it's okay to let your spouse do their
own thing that you are interested in.

That's okay too,
So you've got to work on that.

But if if you're feeling like,

you know,
you want your spouse to support you and,

you know, I really want you to go with me
to do this, then talk to them about that.

And, you know,
hopefully they'll go with you.

Maybe not every time, right?

Maybe not every time, but once or twice.

Just support, you know, something
that you like that you know, they don't.

Well,
an interest can change over the years.

Best example.

Sorry, Rachel and Russell,
I'm calling you two out our kids.

Rachel hated

sports when she got married, and.

But Russell loves sports and any sport.

Russell loves watching,
participating in anything.

So Rachel started
just watching sports with him.

And then Rachel started loving sports.

Now, I think Rachel likes it
more than Russell.

Yeah, Yeah.

She used to just read a book while
he watched the sports and it was fine.

And now she loves them.

So just, you know, you can change.

Yeah. Yeah, that's. That's good. The.

All right, next one.

I understand.

See, now,
this one actually, Waller's me, too.

You know that this bothers.

Yes, because it sounds patronizing.

Oh, well, it does. Like.

So if I'm having.

Okay, here's a good example.

So say
I'm having it's that time of the month

for me and I'm having cramps
and I'm really in a bad mood.

And you're like, Oh, sweetie,
I understand.

No, you don't. You're not having cramps.

It's not the time of the month for you.

You've never had this. No, you don't.

Okay, now, so what should I do?

Not just hand you a box of chocolate?

Yeah, Just be like, Hey, what can I do?

What can I do to comfort you?

You know, I'm.

I'm here for you is fine, but I understand

you don't always understand exactly
what they're going through right now.

I agree.

Hey, this reminds me of the new movie
Avatar.

What was the big word in there
that says, I understand.

I see you. You remember that in the movie?

She kept saying that.

And at the end
it was the big phrase. It's the big eyes.

See you. Yes, It's all over The Bachelor
right now. Right.

I see you. Which means OZO.

That's the key word.

That's a key
word on the Bachelor, right? Sees me.

You see me? Yeah.

Well, that that is what this really means,
is I see what you're going through.

I may not understand it.

Yes, but I see what you're going through.

What can I do to help? Right?

So I don't necessarily think
that you should say I understand,

because you probably don't.

But there's better things to just.

I hate.

What can I do for you?

Which actually is the next step.

And what can I do for you?

Yeah, what can I do for you?

I you know, I say this when you're sick.

Absolutely.

And I always get the same response.

Nothing.

Well, sometimes you can't do anything
when someone's sick.

Have a right.

But it's okay to say, Yeah,
I really need soup

or I really need medicine
or I really need something.

Otherwise on my side,
what can I do for you?

I'm really honestly saying, Hey, what.

What can I do to help you go?

Oh, nothing.
That kind of shuts me down too.

I can't help you.
I want to take care of you.

I know you do.
You always want to take care.

I think most people want to take care
of their spouse.

And a lot of times there
really is nothing that you can do, though.

But the.

It's appreciated that you ask,

right?

Yeah, I guess so.

But I guess another thing
that you can do on this is look around.

Is there something obvious
that you could do to help out?

Okay. My gosh. Yeah.

All right.

The next one. I'm here for you,

which I already mentioned to you
instead of I understand, right?

Just remind your spouse
that they can count on you.

I've got your back, right?

That we're going through this together.
I'm here for you.

So that's a good one.

Okay.

Like I said, these
all seem a little cheesy to me.

I'm not into the cheese factor.

I'm here for you,
but I'm going to use that one on you.

There's different ways you can say that
without just saying, I'm here.

I'm here for you.

I understand.

And I'm here for you. Any hope?

If there's any marriage counselors

listening today, Paige,

or if any of you are seeing a marriage
counselor,

you should have them
listen to this episode, because,

like Paige, she's completely destroyed
their whole toolbox.

Well, there's just other ways
you can say these things and just.

I'm here for you.
Okay, last one. And I love this one.

And we say this one all the time.

She almo I love you.

Three simple words. Yep.

I think these are important.

I don't think you could say it too much.

I don't think it's overused.

That's just my opinion.

Well, you know,
this reminds me of the movie Moonstruck.

Do you remember the movie Moonstruck?

I do, but not specifically.

Yeah, that's what's funny about you.

Remember all the movies.

But there's a line in there. It's the.

It's the dad.

He won't say I love you to is to his wife.

Okay?

He'll say it in Italian,
but he won't say it in English, okay?

Until things kind of fall apart.

And then he finally does,
which is really sad.

That is really sad. I think that

saying I love you,

it just even if you're mad

at your spouse, hearing that

like hearing them
say that it does, it kind of.

So if we're yelling at each other,
I can say I love you.

Sure. Give it a shot. Try.

I got to figure out what we're
going to argue about so we can do this.

All right?

So don't let a day pass without saying
loving things to your partner.

The reason I picked this is because

I think when you're talking
nice to each other, it

that bleeds into maybe putting those rose

colored glasses back on it
can bleed into other things in your life.

If you're talking nice to each other,
then I think that can

permeate
into all aspects of your relations.

I think you hit it.

I think you hit the main point

of all these phrases is
are you talking nice to your spouse?

Right?

Are you talking nice about your spouse?

Yeah. Familiarity breeds contempt.

I really hate that phrase.

I you know, I do bring it up
because I think it is true when I think we

sometimes treat
the people we love the most, the worst.

And that's what that that's what
that scene means, Right.

I know.
I think I think it's a horrible saying.

It is, but it's a lot of the times
it's true.

Let's make it not true.

Well, I agree with you there. Yes.

I really think familiarity should
really deep in your love for each other.

And I think put the rose colored glasses
back on and say,

what are the great things about my spouse
that I just totally adore?

And, you know, we love
we've talked about this before.

If you want to find the flaws
in your spouse.

Oh, it's real easy to find.

We all have flaws.
You are not speaking from experience.

No, not at all.

Just books that I've read, movies
I've watched.

But we can You can find them.

You can find them. It's not hard.

But don't look for them.

Don't look for them.
Look for the good things.

I think your spouse already knows
what their flaws are.

They don't know, of course.

And and, you know, this goes into

kind of my philosophy
on actually teaching children as well.

If you focus only on their weaknesses,

that will be the focus of their self-worth
is their weaknesses.

If you focus on their strengths, it's
amazing what those strengths

will overcome their weaknesses
just by overwhelming their weaknesses.

The best example I have of
this is with my oldest

son, Matthew, who was growing up.

One of his weaknesses was mathematics.

He hated it.

He wouldn't.

And we've worked on it.

We were.

Oh, it was awful.

And we worked really hard on it.

And he just became more
and more frustrated.

And finally I said, Forget it.

He loved to read
and he could read anything.

So what did we do?

We bought him
books about the history of mathematics.

And guess what?

He devoured those books and he started
to use that reading talent that he had.

His strength overcame math.

Is he a incredible mathematician now?

No, he's not. But

that strength that he had to

consume literature and read
and things like that

completely overwhelmed

his deficits that he had in math.

I think the same thing's true
in our marriage.

I think if we focus on the strengths
of our spouse,

it will overshadow the small
we weaknesses and flaws in their character

or in their
or in in every aspect of their life.

All right. Did I get off my soapbox?

Are you all bored? Mm hmm.

I figured as much time

are eliminated, Member of the week
has to do with weather again.

Snow at a swim meet of all places.

The first time we've had snow
in 12 years in Folsom.

I don't even know that it was snow.

It was sleet. It was. It was horrible.

Here's what you might have in snow
for like a minute or two.

But when you're at a swim meet,
you don't expect it to be snowing.

But that's what happened to us.

We went to David's swim meet
and it snowed.

It was that was pretty much lemons.

Was there any lemonade from it?

I mean, just getting to support him.

But it was freezing.

It was freezing.

And the kids will remember that
the rest of their lives.

So that was kind of cool.